In my Seventh Form year (Year 13, final year of school, what ever you'd like to call it) we were all asked to write a page for the Leavers Journal (equivalent of a year book). Unfortunately, I was away for this day. So my friends decided to write my page for me. When the books arrived, I was able to see what they had written for my profile; to this day that page makes me laugh, and tugs at my heart just a little bit. Underneath who I would like to marry, they had written Angelina Jolie. Her pictures were all through my diary, and I watched Girl, Interrupted religiously. Under the question of what I see myself doing in the next few years, they had written that I would like to be a photographer for Playboy. My friends indeed did know me oh so well. However, this may not seem like a big issue, but it caused an issue. At a time where sexuality or preference was not discussed, the topic of my own sexuality became an issue. I was asked, and I gave my answer. I liked girls and boys. This seemingly straightforward comment caused great debate, and I was slightly bullied and ostracised for a small while. Yes, some terrible things happened, but that is the past. But what hurt the most was losing a few of my friends, as they thought that since I liked girls then I automatically wanted to get into their panties. This was not the case, and some were quite offended when I said "You're not my type". Arguments and debates ensued, and I had to explain that it's the same reasoning behind finding certain boys attractive; you're not going to find every specimen to your liking.
As time went on, and girlfriends and boyfriends came and went, I began to consider my sexuality again. I had dated boys who were boys, girls who were girls, boys in the middle of reassignment and identified as girls, girls who were butch and masculine, and an amazing intersex partner at one stage. I didn't completely agree with the term "bisexual", so I began searching. And this is when I found the amazing Curvaceous Dee. She writes an amazing blog, is an all rounded advocate for everyone, and labels herself as Pansexual. What was this Pansexual term? It meant you like everyone regardless of gender labels or makeup; you are attracted to people for many different reasons regardless of what label they are assigned, and what label they adopt.
This was an amazing eyeopener, I had found something that suited me! So I kept exploring, and found new terms, strange terms, and thought provoking tales. I was an avid Doctor Who fan, and Captain Jack Harkness identified himself as Omnisexual, another term for Pansexual. There were people like me, people who felt like me, people who loved as I loved. And I quite happily curled up into the label of Pansexual.
Yet, the discussion with others continue. I have a male partner, who is all round completely male. There are no labels, no quirks, no other traits that he identifies with. That sentence there may offend some, but this is my blog and my thoughts and I can write what I like. And I adore him. But that doesn't mean that I don't like girls anymore, it just means that I have a male partner, and my pansexuality has not been "cured", as many lately have insinuated.
I do quite honestly miss female company, I miss the experience, and I miss the certain attributes that come with an attractive woman. The smell, the softness, and the delightful giggles! So, I have been granted the option of finding a woman to experience these things with, as to curb my hunger. Unfortunately, this had led to a few problems. Most are my own, but some are a combination of predisposed beliefs and untimely notions.
Just because I am looking for this, does not mean I want to indulge in a threesome with someone else and their partner. At no point have I said this is what I would like, but for some reason this is the response I get most of the time. Yes, I do understand that it can be hard to find someone who will join in that experience, but when I say it's not what I would like, some have been offended. Others have been offended by my remarks that this is for myself to experience, and not for my relationship; I have been called selfish, and a cheater for this. And I laugh it off, and consider it just another predisposed notion. But is this what it has come to? The idea of a personal experience is for ones self, and not for others. If all the guidelines are in place, and the theory has been put forward, then why do so many challenge and debate it?
I ask, who makes your heart flutter? Who, at the end of the day, do you see and think "wow"? What ever your preference is, what ever you so desire, it is your own personal label. To test it, to put rules and guidelines around what you should and should not do, and can and cannot do seems slightly pointless. Your experience should be your own, and it should be defined from what others have set down for you to believe. We live in a society where rules and borders are placed on almost everything, preconceived notions and beliefs sit in stone, and when one tries to bend these, the fury of the masses is released. So, I have decided that I am a rule breaker. I throw the rules back, laugh in their faces, and choose the comfy red chair. And I quite happily will sit here, and watch as peoples "2 cents" are given, I will listen to their arguments, and I will take in their opinions. But, at the end of the day, I know what makes my heart flutter, and I am quite content with that. And a glass of red wine, Mr and Mrs Smith, and a nice big bowl of sour candy.
