We see it occur every day, and we consider it one of the basics of action and consequence. The scientific evidence is proven in every moment, every situation, and every experience. Sir Issac Newton's three laws of motion are the basis of everyday life.
- Every object in motion will stay in motion until acted upon by an outside force.
- Force equals mass times acceleration (F=MA).
- To every action there is an equal and opposite action.
And, consequentially;
- What goes up, must come down.
To every good thing that occurs, there seems to be a bad thing that must equal this. I'm sure this is not scientifically proven; but the theory itself seems founded enough to merit approval.
In the past few weeks, my life has been a sequence of ups and downs. The ups have been amazing and perfect, the downs have been soul crushing and devastating. However, we learn from these occurrences in our lives, which then fuels the "ups" becoming apparent.
So, today I will write two blog posts. One, talking about the "ups", and the amazingness of this. And, another, on the soul crushing "downs. I feel they need to be separate, as life is a series of roller-coasters; a never ending journey of highs and lows, and the adventure it provides us.
I finish this brief introduction by quoting George Burns. It does seem miserable, but truth prevails where fantasy evaporates.
"Everything that goes up must come down. But, there comes a time when not everything that is down can come up".
- George Burns
Wednesday, July 10, 2013
Thursday, April 25, 2013
Pin Boards and Pull Ties.
It always seems to be one, or a combination, of certain factors that lead me to actually blogging. I tell myself I will make a conscience effort, remind myself to write, and add little notes here and there to jog creativity. But, it never seems to eventuate. Until one or more certain factors occur.
1. I have an essay due
2. I'm upset or emotional
3. I can't find a song/poem/recipe to describe myself
4. I can't find paper and pen
5. There is something else I should be doing
6. I saw something that made me happy/sad/indecisive/frustrated
Today, it's a combination of a few.
I told myself, this morning at 4am, that I would start the day on a happy note. After long conversations from members of the "boy gang", I was reminded that sometimes all you can do is wait. Sometimes our finest moments are all mistakes, or we all do things for the best intentions that lead to these; and when all is said and done, when all is given and lost, the only thing left is to sit. Because, dear reader, we are the ones in charge of our own happiness. We cannot expect someone else, something else, other oddities and accessories to make us happy; you are the only one who can find your smile. Many will influence, many will take and give parts of you. Their words and actions can cause ripples, attach themselves to your soul, infecting the essence that is you. But, in the end, you are the only one who can find the ballerina hidden inside the jewellery box of your soul. And, dear reader, you will find her; round and round, dancing to a symphony left with a note of memories once nurtured. And, it will fill your heart with joy. And, everything said and done, these things will make you who you are. It's how you deal with what is given to you, what is said to you, what you are faced with; these things nurture and mould us into the amazing people we become. We are nothing without memories, emotions, love, light, and life.
Pin boards and pull ties, where your memories reflect.
Don't hide them away, or stop and forget.
Put up your happiness, your smiles and delight.
Hang up your brightness to illuminate the night.
Last night I was asked "If you think you have done such terrible things, and you have caused so much pain to those you love; what is the worst thing you have done?". And, I sat on that question, while staring out into the rain exploding on the blackened pavement.
All I could answer, the only thing that came to me, was this.
"I have lied. I have lied about my heart, what is in my heart, what I truly feel in my heart. And I lied to save the others; I lied to hurt them, so they would leave, and so they would never feel hurt from me again".
I hung on those words, like they were threads unravelled from a tragic tapestry of bleakness from some terrible novel found in the back of your great aunts basement. The guilt consumed me, a repetition of words began looping in my head; I was responsible for their hurt and pain, I did this to them, I did this to save both hearts, I hurt them. Until, the voice next to me trailed on the storm, and said to me,
"You are not solely responsible for their hurt. Love requires two people; two people share emotion, connection, passion, and touch. What happens in the end is a reflection of what was there to start with; it shows if what was there was mutual and equal. The hurt felt, the anger and pain felt? That's shared, because love is shared. They had a choice, like you had a choice. If they hurt this much, hurt and ache as much as you do, it's because what you both shared was no small thing; it was mutual and equal love. If they have walked away, no response or show of pain, and your pain is overflowing; does the pain seem worth it in the end?".
And, you know what? It's true.
So, I began this morning by writing down five things that make me smile.
I reminded myself that all the terrible things that have been said, the things that have been said to me that made me question myself, or the things that I have said that made me ache; all of these were all just from hurt. And, I can't keep living my life worried what others think, or hating myself for doing what I thought was right, or letting myself be renovated by the terms and negative words thrown at me. It's turning me into something I am not. That is not me, that is not who I want to be.
And, living a life where everything is second guessed, questioned, and doubt is the preoccupying factor in any conversation or form of social interaction? Nope, not good at all!
I guess, though, I don't even know if I'm the only one in pain. I don't know if I'm the only one hurting, feeling little and lost, and feeling like someone played Radioheads greatest hit on repeat while I was sleeping. How do you ask? How do you say it? Can I just send a text, and email, along the lines of something like this?
"Hey! So, yeah.. my heart feels like a bunch of 13 year olds attached Roman Candles and Sparklers to it, and made a homemade fireworks bomb with it... And, I'm having a hard time... everything hurts, my eyes feel like I've got Arc Eye, and the Purex advert with the dog made me cry... So... you?"...
Actually... in response, I'd probably get
1 - No response what so ever
2 - A response wrapped in seething, bitter, and twistedness....
Pin Boards and Pull Ties....
Watch, as I put all mine up.
Remind me of who I was before
Before I got so stuck
So, along with this, I wrote down little messages. I decided that I will send one text and make one phone call this afternoon, and then my phone is going off for the night. And, once my essays are done, I will write these messages out properly; I have also decided to write for each person I love. We are constantly reminded of the negatives, the put downs, the things we can't do, the lack of faith we have in ourselves. And, it features constantly within everything, leading to self destructive behaviour and self doubt. So, each one who I adore will have a little note, letting each one know how special and amazing they are.
Oh... and just added at the end...
Yeah, you can have all the positivity from me.... But I'm still adding this....
.... Yup.... I'm using freaking Taylor Swift.
1. I have an essay due
2. I'm upset or emotional
3. I can't find a song/poem/recipe to describe myself
4. I can't find paper and pen
5. There is something else I should be doing
6. I saw something that made me happy/sad/indecisive/frustrated
Today, it's a combination of a few.
I told myself, this morning at 4am, that I would start the day on a happy note. After long conversations from members of the "boy gang", I was reminded that sometimes all you can do is wait. Sometimes our finest moments are all mistakes, or we all do things for the best intentions that lead to these; and when all is said and done, when all is given and lost, the only thing left is to sit. Because, dear reader, we are the ones in charge of our own happiness. We cannot expect someone else, something else, other oddities and accessories to make us happy; you are the only one who can find your smile. Many will influence, many will take and give parts of you. Their words and actions can cause ripples, attach themselves to your soul, infecting the essence that is you. But, in the end, you are the only one who can find the ballerina hidden inside the jewellery box of your soul. And, dear reader, you will find her; round and round, dancing to a symphony left with a note of memories once nurtured. And, it will fill your heart with joy. And, everything said and done, these things will make you who you are. It's how you deal with what is given to you, what is said to you, what you are faced with; these things nurture and mould us into the amazing people we become. We are nothing without memories, emotions, love, light, and life.
Pin boards and pull ties, where your memories reflect.
Don't hide them away, or stop and forget.
Put up your happiness, your smiles and delight.
Hang up your brightness to illuminate the night.
Last night I was asked "If you think you have done such terrible things, and you have caused so much pain to those you love; what is the worst thing you have done?". And, I sat on that question, while staring out into the rain exploding on the blackened pavement.
All I could answer, the only thing that came to me, was this.
"I have lied. I have lied about my heart, what is in my heart, what I truly feel in my heart. And I lied to save the others; I lied to hurt them, so they would leave, and so they would never feel hurt from me again".
I hung on those words, like they were threads unravelled from a tragic tapestry of bleakness from some terrible novel found in the back of your great aunts basement. The guilt consumed me, a repetition of words began looping in my head; I was responsible for their hurt and pain, I did this to them, I did this to save both hearts, I hurt them. Until, the voice next to me trailed on the storm, and said to me,
"You are not solely responsible for their hurt. Love requires two people; two people share emotion, connection, passion, and touch. What happens in the end is a reflection of what was there to start with; it shows if what was there was mutual and equal. The hurt felt, the anger and pain felt? That's shared, because love is shared. They had a choice, like you had a choice. If they hurt this much, hurt and ache as much as you do, it's because what you both shared was no small thing; it was mutual and equal love. If they have walked away, no response or show of pain, and your pain is overflowing; does the pain seem worth it in the end?".
And, you know what? It's true.
So, I began this morning by writing down five things that make me smile.
I reminded myself that all the terrible things that have been said, the things that have been said to me that made me question myself, or the things that I have said that made me ache; all of these were all just from hurt. And, I can't keep living my life worried what others think, or hating myself for doing what I thought was right, or letting myself be renovated by the terms and negative words thrown at me. It's turning me into something I am not. That is not me, that is not who I want to be.
And, living a life where everything is second guessed, questioned, and doubt is the preoccupying factor in any conversation or form of social interaction? Nope, not good at all!
I guess, though, I don't even know if I'm the only one in pain. I don't know if I'm the only one hurting, feeling little and lost, and feeling like someone played Radioheads greatest hit on repeat while I was sleeping. How do you ask? How do you say it? Can I just send a text, and email, along the lines of something like this?
"Hey! So, yeah.. my heart feels like a bunch of 13 year olds attached Roman Candles and Sparklers to it, and made a homemade fireworks bomb with it... And, I'm having a hard time... everything hurts, my eyes feel like I've got Arc Eye, and the Purex advert with the dog made me cry... So... you?"...
Actually... in response, I'd probably get
1 - No response what so ever
2 - A response wrapped in seething, bitter, and twistedness....
Pin Boards and Pull Ties....
Watch, as I put all mine up.
Remind me of who I was before
Before I got so stuck
So, along with this, I wrote down little messages. I decided that I will send one text and make one phone call this afternoon, and then my phone is going off for the night. And, once my essays are done, I will write these messages out properly; I have also decided to write for each person I love. We are constantly reminded of the negatives, the put downs, the things we can't do, the lack of faith we have in ourselves. And, it features constantly within everything, leading to self destructive behaviour and self doubt. So, each one who I adore will have a little note, letting each one know how special and amazing they are.
Oh... and just added at the end...
Yeah, you can have all the positivity from me.... But I'm still adding this....
.... Yup.... I'm using freaking Taylor Swift.
Wednesday, April 24, 2013
And he hated himself and hated her, too, for the ruin they'd made of each other.
My beautiful library contains some of the most inspiring texts ever written. Poetry books from 1910, novels on life and loss, adventure comics, compelling biographies, and stacks of research books. But, one book has sat there, and it has stared at me for a week.
The Given Day, by Dennis Lehane.
I couldn't really work out why, until I opened the book.
I have this habit, which is actually pretty fantastic, where I write down quotes from books I have read. I write them down, and I leave them in the first page of the book; they remind me of why I read it, what inspired me, and what has stuck with me.
And there it was, the quote.
"And he hated himself and hated her, too, for the ruin they'd made of each other".
Now, I don't know who actually reads this blog. I'm hoping that there is someone who is reading this right now, and that you actually get what this means. Because, you dear reader, now see my heart.
I've always had this terrible problem. I get myself into situations I can't escape from, situations so dimly lit that I can't find the exit. And, so as we all do, I ask for help. This time, this choice, was harder than I ever thought possible. And, I sit writing this, because it is the only way I can see that what I did was for the best.
Because my heart, oh dear reader, my heart is broken. And, I know, hearts mend. We mend our hearts with a mixture of alcohol, music, flimsy cellotape, and promises that it will be okay. We lie to fix the pain. But, this time, I don't know if I can fix it. Because I did something terrible, but I did it for the right reasons. And no, I did not make this decision by myself. It seems like I did, and sometimes I wish I did, but the options were so limited and so was the time. And, to be honest, I think this is karma. I honestly believe that from all the terrible things that I had done once, this was my punishment. And, I deserve this pain. Because, the love I have burning so tragically, is never to be shared.
When you are a dream, an idea, a perfect thought... how do you change that? When someone loves you for everything you are, they see you as perfection and what they wanted, how do you change that? You become something you are not.
I have been asked recently "Who are you?". Who am I deep inside? Is there a real me, or is it just a persona for each person? I am reminded of the film Runaway Bride, she didn't actually know how she liked her eggs because she changed to suit. And that is me, dear reader, I change to suit.
Until you.
And you saw me, you saw the real me deep down. Oh, that scared me. You saw the love, the light, the passion, the fire; you shared this with me, and loved every moment in fleeting seconds of eternity. And, then a choice was made, and the only option left was terrifying. And, I couldn't sit in the painful awkwardness. I couldn't have the "what ifs", and the painful constant reminder of loss.
I'd rather you hated me; I'd rather all the love and wonder you saw in my eyes was replaced with repulsion and hatred. I took the pureness we had, and I added drops of black ink, I blurred everything. And, that was the hardest part. I changed to suit, but this time for the negative.
I sat, and I read the message. And, I worked out what I had to do. I asked for advise, and I was given a list of things I needed to do. Yes, it killed everything inside of me; the lyrics "hate me, so you can finally see whats good for you" keep repeating over and over again.
I took everything you disliked, everything that we both despised in others... and I forced myself to act and play a part. Did you ever see my face while I did this? No. What you saw was text, and you heard my voice. Why? Because it was rehearsed; it was rehearsed in a moment, so I could keep it together. No, that was not me. That was everything you hated, that I took on and amplified as many times as I could, and threw it at you in the space of days. I wanted the perfect vision you had to be tainted by something else, so I wouldn't have to see that fire in your eyes ever again. And, so you had a reason to hate me, and so you could walk away and believe you had never lost out, and to live the beautiful life you deserved.
Because, I would rather you hate me for a reason, even if the reason was a fictional representation of the worst of women, than still look at me with perfection. I'd rather you never feel like you missed out, I'd rather you were able to walk away thanking your lucky stars that your perception was false. And, I will sit here, sick to my stomach, drowning in shattered memories.
But, please, live your life with every brightness and every sparkle that you are.
And, I'm sorry.
Thursday, March 28, 2013
Lyrical Infections
The birds are singing, the sun is shining, and the coffee is hot. There has been no other sound, just the ones made from the morning routine. Grasping the elixir of sanity that is coffee in your hand, you find that comfortable place to begin the morning startup.
And then, for no given reason or outside influence, it begins.
"Boy you can say anything you want now,
I don't give a shhh, no one else can have ya.
I want you back, I want you back.
Want, want you, want you back.
Ugh!"
Where did it come from? Why is it there! Come on, there has to be another song.
But then, you find lyrics to songs constantly looping through your head. Just the same few lines, over and over again. And, no matter how hard you try to shut them out, the loop continues.
"Nobody said it was easy,
No one ever said it would be so hard.
I'm going back to the start".
You start to contemplate the meaning or the reason, is there a purpose for this? Did I just get the song stuck in my head, or is my subconscious trying to beat something into me via musical inspiration? Are they there for a reason, or are they there as an irritation?
"'Cause I'm not lost, I just want you to find me".
Are the lyrics a reminder of a time or place? That one time, stuck in the car during a traffic jam, and "your song" plays on the stereo. Suddenly, it becomes a one person karaoke dance party. Windows down, screaming out the lyrics, busting out the "seatbelt shuffle"; passengers in cars surrounding you stare and giggle, but you know they're just jealous of your sheer awesomeness.
"You gotta know to understand.
Baby, take me by the hand,
I'll lead you to the Promised Land.
You gotta know to understand".
Is it that one song that incapsulates a person in your mind? A song, that when played, instantly reminds you of someone. It's linked to a memory, a feeling, or the relationship you have. But, when that song is played, they flash into your mind.
"Goodnight, my angel, time to close your eyes
And save these questions for another day.
I think I know what you've been asking me,
I think you know what I've been trying to say".
And then, sometimes, the lyrics circulating through your mind are actually the only way your subconscious can translate the way you are feeling inside. Sometimes, trying to articulate emotion seems impossible and unobtainable. A song plays, the lyrics click in your mind, and Eureka! "YOU! You understand how I feeeeeeeeel". A way to explain and translate has been found, because someone has been able to formulate what you were unable to explain, because they have felt it too.
And then, for no given reason or outside influence, it begins.
"Boy you can say anything you want now,
I don't give a shhh, no one else can have ya.
I want you back, I want you back.
Want, want you, want you back.
Ugh!"
Where did it come from? Why is it there! Come on, there has to be another song.
But then, you find lyrics to songs constantly looping through your head. Just the same few lines, over and over again. And, no matter how hard you try to shut them out, the loop continues.
"Nobody said it was easy,
No one ever said it would be so hard.
I'm going back to the start".
You start to contemplate the meaning or the reason, is there a purpose for this? Did I just get the song stuck in my head, or is my subconscious trying to beat something into me via musical inspiration? Are they there for a reason, or are they there as an irritation?
"'Cause I'm not lost, I just want you to find me".
Are the lyrics a reminder of a time or place? That one time, stuck in the car during a traffic jam, and "your song" plays on the stereo. Suddenly, it becomes a one person karaoke dance party. Windows down, screaming out the lyrics, busting out the "seatbelt shuffle"; passengers in cars surrounding you stare and giggle, but you know they're just jealous of your sheer awesomeness.
"You gotta know to understand.
Baby, take me by the hand,
I'll lead you to the Promised Land.
You gotta know to understand".
Is it that one song that incapsulates a person in your mind? A song, that when played, instantly reminds you of someone. It's linked to a memory, a feeling, or the relationship you have. But, when that song is played, they flash into your mind.
"Goodnight, my angel, time to close your eyes
And save these questions for another day.
I think I know what you've been asking me,
I think you know what I've been trying to say".
And then, sometimes, the lyrics circulating through your mind are actually the only way your subconscious can translate the way you are feeling inside. Sometimes, trying to articulate emotion seems impossible and unobtainable. A song plays, the lyrics click in your mind, and Eureka! "YOU! You understand how I feeeeeeeeel". A way to explain and translate has been found, because someone has been able to formulate what you were unable to explain, because they have felt it too.
"You know I'd rather walk alone,
Than play a supporting role,
If I can't get the starring role".
Than play a supporting role,
If I can't get the starring role".
There are so many reasons, so many opinions, and a whole heap of theories. But, most of the time, I believe it's the subconscious trying to break through and give you well needed information. And, if we take the time to just listen, we might learn something from the hidden depths of our memory library. You never know, it could be that hidden piece in the puzzle, or the answer you hadn't even contemplated.
"A little less conversation, a little more action..".
But, there is one thing I have learnt out of all of this.
Childrens TV program songs do not at any time adhere to this theory. Ever. EVER. These songs are soul destroying and infectious, and in no way teach you anything about your subconscious...
Unless your subconscious really wants a rubber ducky... because, he makes bath time lots of fun.
Apology time!
I have so many blog posts in my drafts, in my notes, and sitting in folders. They sit, and wait, because I just haven't had the time to edit anything. And, I keep meaning to. But, as life goes on, they sit and wait.
Oh the guilt!
I promise to write, and I never do. I'm such a rule breaker.....
So here, this is my apology. Sorry for being a shit.
I think that pretty much sums it up!
I shall start again, but I can't promise I will write.
What I will promise, however, is a piece (hopefully) each week that has meaning.
They may not be very long, but they are here.
Love to all xxx
Oh the guilt!
I promise to write, and I never do. I'm such a rule breaker.....
So here, this is my apology. Sorry for being a shit.
I think that pretty much sums it up!
I shall start again, but I can't promise I will write.
What I will promise, however, is a piece (hopefully) each week that has meaning.
They may not be very long, but they are here.
Love to all xxx
Monday, January 7, 2013
Every superhero has their bad days
Putting your hand up, stopping, and asking for help is one of the hardest things one will ever learn to do. When you realise that you are out of your depth, that your cape isn't as snug anymore, and your magic powers seem to be lacking your normal fizz. And no matter how much you try, how much confidence you have in yourself, sometimes it just isn't enough. And, at those times, admitting you need help can be the hardest thing any of us will ever have to do.
I put my hand up late last year, and admitted I needed help. I had two summer papers on the go, a few unexpected jolts occurred, and I realised I was drowning. I am usually too proud to ask for help, I believe with a few all nighters anything can be achieved. But, when the clock ticked and the time passed, not even Miss Granger and her necklace could help me. So, after a small pause and think, I realised that in order to continue I needed to stop. That seems somewhat cliche and odd, but it's true. Sometimes the best way for us to achieve and continue in excellence is to admit when we have too many plans, and to drop one to continue a smoother journey. And, that is what I did. I dropped one paper, and continued with the other. And the panic subsided, the fear went away, and my cape felt starched and ready for action. I did feel weak, I felt disappointed in myself for being unable to complete my plan. But, now, I look back and am proud of my bravery. I stood up, admitted that I couldn't do something, and backed down. It takes sheer guts, a knock of pride, and a bigger person to ask for help.
So, that is my honesty for today. And, yes, I'm still a pretty good superhero.
Honesty
My New Years resolution was to try a blog piece twice a week, and be more honest with my writing. It seemed like such a fantastic plan, something I could achieve quite well, and something I would enjoy.
It's day 7. And here I am, now, trying very hard to write.
It's not the lack of words, it's not the lack of imagination. It's not that nothing has happened to write about, it's the complete opposite. It's the honesty. It's the point where I begin to write, and I am afraid of what will come out.
I promised myself this would be a fantastic, glittery, cheery, whimsical blog. That all my fantasmic plans and midnight ideas would be on here. Somewhere that I could look back on, and remember the magic and fantasy that runs through my veins. I have that, it's stored right here at the surface. What I didn't realise was that surface was a mask, and what lies underneath I'd prefer to leave alone. But then, I wouldn't be honest with myself or others.
And so here I sit, staring at a screen with apprehension. If I'm honest, I lose a part of me that I have been trying to hold. If I'm not honest, then I wait for the bottle to explode when I least expect it, or even understand it.
I suppose every journey begins with a rocky start.
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